The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[BMWGUYinCO]

Quick poll: for all women who think men are pigs, vote by a show of your hooters.

[Dino GT]

My wife lost her credit card a month ago.
So after a month I finally called the credit card company to cancel the card.
The lady on the phone asked me why I waited so long to cancel the the card.
I told her that the thief was spending less than my wife.

[DocL]

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste.

[3.0L]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

[topnutta]

[BMWGUYinCO]

To err is human.
To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

[flybigjet]

Since he's up to nine sprogs so far….

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by topnutta

Homage to Norm.

[Dino GT]

Gas was $2.33 a liter, I filled my tank and it came to $152.00.
Drove off without paying. Court date is in 15 days.
Fine is $100.00. Total saved: $52.00.
Follow me for more savings advice.

[Lady Jane]

Originally Posted by BMWGUYinCO

Quick poll: for all women who think men are pigs, vote by a show of your hooters.

Here's my vote: ( DANG...! Low battery) Sorry.

[3.0L]

So this floozy comes waltzing into church just as services were about to begin and proceeds to trip and fall down. Her dress went over her head, revealing that she was not wearing any panties.

The preacher immediately said, "Do not look or you will go blind!"

A crusty old fart said, "Well, I'll risk one eye."

[3.0L]

Johnny's mom opens the bathroom door and catches him masturbating.

Mom: "Johnny, stop doing that or you will go blind!"

Johnny: "Aw gee mom, can I just keep doing it until I need eye glasses?"

[3.0L]

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."

[3.0L]

So Isaac Newton is credited with figuring out gravity when he saw an apple fall to the ground.

I'm left wondering if he never watched himself take a piss.

[Dino GT]

How to drive a woman wild with your mouth.

Have you put on weight?

[Dino GT]

Corona is like your wife.
Initially you try to control it.
Then you realize that you can't.
Then you learn to live with it.

[vreihen16]

I saw an interview on the TV news yesterday, of a lawyer who was attacked by a shark while surfing off the coast of Long Island. Guess that professional courtesy is dead, huh?????

[3.0L]

My wife told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.

I told her I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.

[T0RM3NT]

A guy has his buddies over to play some cards around the kitchen table. This guy always thinks he's the funniest in the room. As the guy's daughter walks in to grab something from the kitchen, interrupting the card game, the guy looks over to see his dog to the side licking his balls. In an attempt to be funny to all his friends during the interruption, the guy points to the dog and says, "I sure wish I could do that!"

The daughter pauses and says, "Well dad, if you pet him first, he might let you!"

[3.0L]

Name 3 components of a wood burning stove:

1. Lifter

2. Leg

3. Poker

[Dino GT]

Three contractors are bidding to refurbish a fence on Downing street.
One is from London another is from Liverpool, and the 3rd is from Aberdeen.
All three go with a Downing street official to examine the fence.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil and paper.
Well, he says, I figure the job will run about 900 pounds.
400 for materials, 400 for my crew and 100 profit for me.

The Liverpool contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says. I can do the job for 700 pounds.
300 for materials, 200 for my crew and 200 profit for me.

The Aberdonian doesn't measure or figure, he leans over to the official and whispers; 2900 pounds.
The official says; You didn't even measure like the others!
How did you come up with such a high figure?
The Aberdonian whispers back; 1000 for me, 1000 for you, and we hire the guy from London to do the job!

[Lady Jane]

flybigjet



A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy named Don McPherson, who's dressed in sun glasses, a t- shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy. "Who are you so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies. "I'm Don McPherson, retired American Airlines pilot from Palm Springs, CA."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

So Captain Don goes into Heaven with his robe and his staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of St. Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute says the good father. "That man Don was a pilot and he got a silken robe and golden staff and I got only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter. "When you preached, people slept. When Don flew, people prayed."