ZPOST
BMW Garage BMW Meets Register Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read


Go Back   ZPOST > BIMMERPOST Universal Forums > Off-Topic Discussions Board
  TireRack

SUPPORT ZPOST BY DOING YOUR TIRERACK SHOPPING FROM THIS BANNER, THANKS!
Post Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
      01-02-2022, 01:33 PM   #1
D_o_S
LCI'd
254
Rep
819
Posts

Drives: 335i LCI
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Home

iTrader: (1)

Women's congruence tests... and how to pass them?

Hiya,

happy new year! Reaching out for some help to all you dating experts

I have been spending considerable time with a girl and I think we can say we both enjoy each other's presence. I certainly enjoy hers, from her wittiness and intellect to her looks... We are not intimate, so as below, all judgements of appearance are with clothes on.

I have been subjected to some congruence tests in the past, some I believe I handled well (with the types of "Uh-huh" responses and keeping my cool), but on New Year, I was faced with a test (? or so I believe) which got me thinking (I am an overthinker...)

Based on the fact that my responses seemed to be ignored and her opinions were repeatedly stated (while I stood behind mine) makes it seem like some sort of escalated congruence test...

Our phone conversation started something like this (m = me, h = her):
M: Hey, so how was your first day of new year? Any changes???
H: Naaah, it's all the same... I looked everywhere, and everything seems to be the same (joking voice) How about you?
M: Oh, dramatic changes! (sarcasm) So I got up early, just kidding... I got up as normal, did some exercise...
H: Hmmm, I'd like to ask you, you've been exercising a lot in the past year, but I don't see any changes. Do you see any changes? Like are you going to need to buy a bigger shirt? (Serious voice)
M: Well, actually, I haven't exercised in the past 4 months...
H: Yeah, but... [[[ my above comment was dismissed, as if it didn't matter... no interest as to why I haven't exercised (due to work), etc.]]] You know, I don't know how you exercise, but I mean, I can't see any changes on you. Can you see any changes?
M: Yeah, my shirt is tighter... around my belly [jokingly, but it's also true... she is convinced I have to GAIN mass, not be lean... whereas due to the fact that I have been sedentary, I would prefer to loose some weight, and then regain]... No, but really, I can feel more fitted in my arms, shoulders and torso
H: Yeah, but I can't see it. I mean, girls would digg you/digg men with broad shoulders. So have you gone up a shirt size? If you're still wearing the same shirt size, you're not growing...
M: No, shirt size is still the same...
H: Yeah, so you must not be exercising for growth (she knows I much prefer function/endurance rather than outright hypertrophy)... I mean, I'm sorry I'm so strict on you, but it's like if I told you "I'm exercising every day" and you saw nothing...
M: Yeah, well when I started out, I was lifting 60 kg, now I am lifting 100...
H: Yeah, I still can't see it. But anyway, if you want to have the body of a jogi, so be it...
M: Nah, I don't want to be a jogi... or Arnold Schwarzenneger, for that matter. I would much rather be like Bruce Lee...
H: That's a strange choice, I mean why would you choose world champion Arnold?
M: Cause I only go for the best...
H: Yeah... well... train however you want...
M: Yep, so after strength training, I got on the bike...
H: You see, you keep running to that bike!!! Cause you're good at it! Trying to find the easy way out (strict voice)
M: Actually, I ride my bike because I enjoy it.
H: Yeah, well it's not going to give you a hot body. I mean, a road cyclist body, what woman would lust after that...
M: Yeah, well give me a month to get into my exercise routine, and then I'll show you... And what about you, how was your day?
H: Yeah, I had a lazy day... Maybe you'd like to come over for tea tomorrow?
M: Sure, let me know... hey, and thank you for your honesty about the exercise thing!

Then some small talk and "over and out".

So, well, uh... what should I think of this? I see two levels:
- partnership/relationship level
- flirting level

On the level of a partnership, what I find bothersome:
- It is not a conversation, I do not get to present my view... i.e. she repeats "But I cannot see any change", "You're still wearing the same shirt size".
- On the level of a partnership, I do NOT want anyone to feel belittled, ridiculed, ashamed... So I find it difficult to navigate outside of the situation where she says "Can you see any change?" (I state "Yep, my shirt feels more fitted), and she just repeats "I cannot see any change." - I do not want to "shoot back" at her with a comment like "Well, I've been getting compliments" or whatever, because that makes her feel like the fact that she cannot see it is WRONG... I would rather say: Hey, look here... (Like if she says "my phone has no reception"... I'm not going to say "well mine does", but rather "let me take a look")
--- but, on the level of a partnership, her whole assessment of exercise effectiveness is just plain wrong, in my eyes. I mean, should I be going to the gym only to be measured by shirt size??? What about 1 rep maximum, number of repetitions, etc. I hinted at this, and it was ignored. In hindsight, I would have expanded this argument much more, but "in the heat of battle", I was so mesmerized by the fact that "she cannot SEE it"
- There is very little support of ME in this whole argument, and it would have been so easy to provide... I mean...: some concern over why I haven't been exercising (I know you've had a lot of work, but hey, it's new year, lets make the change!), some support regarding the fact that I am lifting heavier (Hey, good work! Keep that up and I'm sure I'll see the changes), the fact that I WANT to exercise and cycle (Wait, so you did your workout and then got on the bike? Good job!). Nada. Zero. Cycling sucks because you don't get a hot body. Weightlifting you're clearly doing wrong, because I cannot SEE it.

KEY QUESTION HERE: Do I go back and tell her: Look, I'm really glad we had that conversation about my training last time. It was open and honest and I thank you for that. However, it didn't feel very supportive to me. Maybe, next time you could... XYZ... and I believe that would leave me with a more energized mood to do better. I try to do the same for you and we can help each other reach our goals.

Do I open this, or not? If I do, to me, it seems like a responsible thing to do. On the other hand, it may seem like I was too touched by what was said. But, if I keep ignoring this... well, I don't want to be in a relationship with "ignorance" as one of its values.

On the level of flirting.. well... anything I ought to have done better? I mean, I don't want to be mean.... but the fact that she just kept repeating "I cannot see it" was provocative and could be misused in so many ways ("Well, others gave me compliments", "Maybe you ought to look a little better", "I'm not doing this for the looks"), same thing with "If you're not wearing a bigger shirt, then it's not working", yada yada yada...

Thoughts, tips, tricks?

Thank you!
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 01:37 PM   #2
upstatedoc
I'll get back to you
upstatedoc's Avatar
7556
Rep
2,132
Posts

Drives: blue streak
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: not downstate

iTrader: (2)

O M G
__________________
2018 Stinger GT
2009 E90 N51 /Active Autowerke Stage 2 tune/BMW Performance Exhaust/
Countermeasure enthusiast.
Appreciate 19
Murf99314114.00
Maynard3804.50
stein_325i25051.00
DETRoadster11446.00
RickFLM410880.50
Bunnny219.50
Mein11422.00
///MPhatic13538.50
Torgus3779.00
Hawkeye2069.50
Mosaud19983891.00
Wolf 3352338.50
tcphoto3477.00
Nkc1600.50
NYG10571.50
wdb4673.00
      01-02-2022, 01:42 PM   #3
Murf993
Major
Murf993's Avatar
14114
Rep
1,336
Posts

Drives: Porsche 993
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Dog Lake, South Frontenac, Ontario Canada

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by upstatedoc View Post
O M G
What did I just read?
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 01:55 PM   #4
Alfisti
Brigadier General
6453
Rep
3,009
Posts

Drives: 2008 Saab 9-3 Combi
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Toronto, Canada

iTrader: (0)

God damn.
Appreciate 2
      01-02-2022, 02:00 PM   #5
3.0L
Colonel
3.0L's Avatar
8902
Rep
2,011
Posts

Drives: M235i, 20k miles
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: California

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by D_o_S View Post
Hiya,

[Much snipped to avoid long suffering...]

Thoughts, tips, tricks?

Thank you!
Yes. Try pre-marital counseling.
__________________
///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic

When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser
Appreciate 2
Murf99314114.00
GuidoK10473.00
      01-02-2022, 02:16 PM   #6
BMWCCA1
BMW Owner Since 1971
2236
Rep
1,393
Posts

Drives: 1964 700 Sport Cabriolet
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Central Virginia

iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2013 BMW 128i  [10.00]
Is this really what you have to put up with these days?

I'm glad my marriage has lasted over 40-years, so far. And I don't remember going through anything like this 50-years ago when we first met!

I'd say "dump her" but then I've never met either of you.
Appreciate 6
stein_325i25051.00
Murf99314114.00
RickFLM410880.50
jmack548.50
scostu1619.50
Merlin_83471.00
      01-02-2022, 02:19 PM   #7
rebekahb
First Lieutenant
3129
Rep
320
Posts

Drives: 2020 X5 M50i
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: New Orleans, LA

iTrader: (0)

I couldn't even read the whole thing but what I did read was you haven't even had sex and barely in a relationship. In such a short amount of time she feels the need to demean you. This will only get worse 10 fold. If you don't run you're crazy.
Appreciate 14
stein_325i25051.00
Murf99314114.00
DETRoadster11446.00
Tommy-G4467.00
jmack548.50
Hawkeye2069.50
BMWGUYinCO4049.00
scostu1619.50
wrickem2101.00
Mosaud19983891.00
Merlin_83471.00
      01-02-2022, 02:25 PM   #8
Alfisti
Brigadier General
6453
Rep
3,009
Posts

Drives: 2008 Saab 9-3 Combi
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Toronto, Canada

iTrader: (0)

Don't you just swipe right or left or whatever nowadays? I thought all this BS was a thing of the past?
Appreciate 4
Murf99314114.00
Tommy-G4467.00
Run Silent15127.00
      01-02-2022, 03:01 PM   #9
D_o_S
LCI'd
254
Rep
819
Posts

Drives: 335i LCI
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Home

iTrader: (1)

Well, it's not the first time I have heard "run away"... but out of the women I've dated, this one is definitely most reliable and responsible, and somehow "sees the world in a similar way" (ofc not in the above example)

Other congruence tests - like "You're short" - can be handled quite easily... Like: "Yeah, well the view from down here is just fabulous", or "Yeah, you know, tall guys, always hitting their heads on things... some say it's an unfair advantage".

But with "something that's not going well", or doesn't appear to be - be it exercise, work, or life... I can't think of a way of reframing it, if you're headed that way. I.e. if you're short, that's the way you are, and you might as well accept it...

If you're not fit - you can either accept it, try to deny it (I'm fitter than I look), or try to do something about it. If you're trying to do something about it, I believe you deserve support, not a shit test. Correct??

I.e. in my case I'm slim, but... I'm not ripped. I want to be ripped. She says "Ha ha, but it will take you ages to get ripped"... Um? What's the response without explaining yourself?

I mean, I could answer like: Sure, but I'll enjoy every moment of the journey?

That's for the shit test. But it still doesn't solve the "You shouldn't cycle cause it doesn't make you look hot", which doesn't seem like a shit test, but rather like shit behavior.

Am I understanding this?
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 03:13 PM   #10
rebekahb
First Lieutenant
3129
Rep
320
Posts

Drives: 2020 X5 M50i
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: New Orleans, LA

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by D_o_S View Post
Well, it's not the first time I have heard "run away"... but out of the women I've dated, this one is definitely most reliable and responsible, and somehow "sees the world in a similar way" (ofc not in the above example)
Honestly, it doesn't matter what we say. If this isn't the first time you've heard it then maybe you need to re-examine why you are seeking another opinion.

Most reliable and responsible but yet puts you down and doesn't build you up. Why would you settle? I would rather be single and enjoying my life then have someone who I barely know speak to me like that.
Appreciate 7
stein_325i25051.00
Murf99314114.00
DETRoadster11446.00
antgenn301.00
nyalpine907384.50
Merlin_83471.00
      01-02-2022, 03:33 PM   #11
stein_325i
Ring Leader of G8X Haters
stein_325i's Avatar
No_Country
25051
Rep
8,761
Posts

Drives: A Car
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: All-Around

iTrader: (0)

Can't say without knowing you or the other person, but s*** like that would annoy me. She may be reliable, but she clearly only hears what she wants to hear and is okay with putting you down easily. Perhaps have a discussion with her as to how comments like that make you feel. Not really sure what else to say.
__________________
Current Garage: 2022 Mercedes-Benz S 580 / 2023 Genesis GV70 2.5T / 2007 Mercedes-Benz E 350 / 1999 Mazda MX-5 Miata
Retired: '95 E36 325i 5MT / '04 E46 330i 6MT / '05 E83 X3 3.0i / '11 E90 335xi / '17 G30 540i / '19 F87 M2C 6MT / '19 MB CLS 53 / '20 MB GLC 300
Appreciate 3
Murf99314114.00
Fast.F10512.50
Merlin_83471.00
      01-02-2022, 03:34 PM   #12
mrjimyjohn
Private First Class
40
Rep
108
Posts

Drives: E92 328i xdrive
Join Date: Nov 2021
Location: Toronto

iTrader: (0)

You seem like a nice guy. This is a bad match. If anything she’s testing will you let her walk over you and you answered yes and thank you
Appreciate 2
Murf99314114.00
DETRoadster11446.00
      01-02-2022, 03:51 PM   #13
D_o_S
LCI'd
254
Rep
819
Posts

Drives: 335i LCI
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Home

iTrader: (1)

Quote:
Originally Posted by rebekahb View Post
Honestly, it doesn't matter what we say. If this isn't the first time you've heard it then maybe you need to re-examine why you are seeking another opinion.

Most reliable and responsible but yet puts you down and doesn't build you up. Why would you settle? I would rather be single and enjoying my life then have someone who I barely know speak to me like that.
Ugh... it's not like she doesn't make my life nice. If I look back, I have had maybe 3 scenarios like this in the past 3 or 4 months... I used to have the "rather be single than with someone not worth it" attitude, and she has passed through my filters. I felt worse with other women so to speak... and, I don't want to fix her, but just show her another way... what she decides to do is her decision. But, I don't want to give up on her without giving her a chance to improve...

So far, I haven't talked to her about the lack of support I feel... but then, I am a scientist by education, and I am very open minded about things. I am not quick to judge or respond. So I'm thinking maybe I should tell her that I believe it would be for the better for all of us if we appreciated each other as we are...

As in, I WON'T go into:
- judging physical performance by shirt size is a bad way to go about it
- sports is not done for how you look at the end of the day (i.e. only do those sports that make you look like a bodybuilder)
- some sports being better and others worse

I will just tell her, as I said above: Look, I'm really glad we had that conversation about my training last time. It was open and honest and I thank you for that. However, it didn't feel very supportive to me. I have found in life that things and people go better if they are provided support and shown a way, rather than being discouraged. For example, I have demonstrated that I want to be in shape, and I would appreciate it if you could support me in reaching my goals. Rather than dismissing the fact that I am lifting heavier weights, I would feel supported if you said "Way to go, keep up the good work". I believe that would leave me with a more energized mood to do better. I try to do the same for you and we can help each other reach our goals.


Sounds ok, or does it sound needy, or? I have tried the "I'm leaving and not telling you why" approach historically, and question weather it was the right thing to do. I gave those people no chance to improve themself (which few may have done... but those few would have perhaps been worthwhile)
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 03:55 PM   #14
SickGTR
Banned
1082
Rep
949
Posts

Drives: 1000whpGTR/ F-82 YAS
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Dirt Jerz

iTrader: (0)

You haven't banged her yet and she is talking shit on you!? F her a few times then move on. 😉🤣.
Appreciate 7
      01-02-2022, 03:59 PM   #15
Murf993
Major
Murf993's Avatar
14114
Rep
1,336
Posts

Drives: Porsche 993
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Dog Lake, South Frontenac, Ontario Canada

iTrader: (0)

So a few red flags for me so far. You haven't had sex yet, how long have you been dating? I'm going to assume not long because that's what you've said and the no sex thing. If your best description of her is that she's reliable and responsible I'd say you're looking for the wrong person. Sure, we all want those traits but if you asked me to describe my wife to you (or any of my other ex-wives) I wouldn't be listing those as their best features. Of course they had that but how about you just want to be with them, you can't stand to be apart from them, you have mutual interests and mutual respect. I could be way wrong but I don't think you're with the right person from what you've said above.
Appreciate 2
stein_325i25051.00
antgenn301.00
      01-02-2022, 03:59 PM   #16
D_o_S
LCI'd
254
Rep
819
Posts

Drives: 335i LCI
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Home

iTrader: (1)

This, I think, explains the situation at hand well:

https://dadstartingover.com/dear-dso...oxic-behavior/

As mentioned by your responses above, and as my quick google search of "congruence tests" has shown... these shit tests are "tests", they are not continued behavior.

However, she has demonstrated continued bad behavior, for example with her clearly hating me cycling... and even if I did win the Tour de France, I would still not be sexy enough to the average Joe hitting the gym 3 times a week.

Oh well, time to talk to her...

Any more input welcome!
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 04:20 PM   #17
DETRoadster
Space Force - 4 Star General
DETRoadster's Avatar
11446
Rep
3,264
Posts

Drives: M2 MG 6MT / Moto Guzzi V7
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Seattle

iTrader: (1)

M: I think I'm going to mix up my workout routine and start running.
H: There you go again trying to get lean.
M: Nope, just running THE FUCK away from you!

Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?
Appreciate 9
rebekahb3128.50
Murf99314114.00
upstatedoc7555.50
stein_325i25051.00
Tommy-G4467.00
Fast.F10512.50
      01-02-2022, 04:39 PM   #18
RickFLM4
Brigadier General
RickFLM4's Avatar
United_States
10881
Rep
4,816
Posts

Drives: M4
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: PB County, FL

iTrader: (0)

.
Attached Images
 
__________________
Current: 2018 SO/SS F83 ZCP
Gone: 2015 SO/SO F82
Appreciate 14
Buug95916841.00
DETRoadster11446.00
upstatedoc7555.50
stein_325i25051.00
Hawkeye2069.50
wrickem2101.00
NickyC17346.00
      01-02-2022, 05:11 PM   #19
BMWCCA1
BMW Owner Since 1971
2236
Rep
1,393
Posts

Drives: 1964 700 Sport Cabriolet
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Central Virginia

iTrader: (2)

Garage List
2013 BMW 128i  [10.00]
Quote:
Originally Posted by D_o_S View Post
... but out of the women I've dated, this one is definitely most reliable and responsible, and somehow "sees the world in a similar way" (ofc not in the above example)
Might I suggest a nice dog? A mut from the SPCA or a Golden Retriever who will be devoted to you and never criticize you no matter what you do or how fit you are!
Appreciate 2
stein_325i25051.00
Tommy-G4467.00
      01-02-2022, 05:14 PM   #20
upstatedoc
I'll get back to you
upstatedoc's Avatar
7556
Rep
2,132
Posts

Drives: blue streak
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: not downstate

iTrader: (2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SickGTR View Post
You haven't banged her yet and she is talking shit on you!? F her a few times then move on. 😉🤣.
I would like to "appreciate" this post but some may find it insensitive.
__________________
2018 Stinger GT
2009 E90 N51 /Active Autowerke Stage 2 tune/BMW Performance Exhaust/
Countermeasure enthusiast.
Appreciate 2
      01-02-2022, 05:40 PM   #21
BRAKE!
First Lieutenant
834
Rep
318
Posts

Drives: 718 GT4
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: USA

iTrader: (0)

Cut out the noise and listen to your gut. Clearly it's trying to signal alarm bells as you know this IS NOT right (would you have spoken to her that way?)

Quit trying to justify this in your head with all these excuses. The bottom line is, she's insecure - wants a certain guy to an idealistic view of what she wants next to her (once again, because she's insecure). And you holding on to this for dear life makes you sound insecure too. Half of this world is women, odds are in your favor you can find another one you like.


Another simple way to look at this, don't look at the nuances of each response, count up how many ppl are telling you NO vs YES.
Appreciate 0
      01-02-2022, 05:47 PM   #22
3.0L
Colonel
3.0L's Avatar
8902
Rep
2,011
Posts

Drives: M235i, 20k miles
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: California

iTrader: (0)

Quote:
Originally Posted by D_o_S View Post
Hiya,

happy new year! Reaching out for some help to all you dating experts

[snippage occurred again]

Thoughts, tips, tricks?

Thank you!
Here's another tip: My wife and I dated for 5 years before we got married. Five years. Add that to our 53rd anniversary next month and that comes out at 58 years.
__________________
///M235i | Mineral Grey Metallic | Premium Package | Technology Package | Driver Assistance Package | Dakota Coral Red/Black Leather | Harman/Kardon Premium 360 watt sound system | 8-speed automatic

When writing your life's plan, use a pencil with an eraser
Appreciate 3
sygazelle11091.00
Buug95916841.00
antgenn301.00
Post Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:32 PM.




zpost
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.
1Addicts.com, BIMMERPOST.com, E90Post.com, F30Post.com, M3Post.com, ZPost.com, 5Post.com, 6Post.com, 7Post.com, XBimmers.com logo and trademark are properties of BIMMERPOST