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      05-28-2022, 02:49 AM   #463
M5Rick
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i don't trust the press.Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall back all surprised.
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      05-28-2022, 06:08 AM   #464
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I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.
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      05-28-2022, 10:41 AM   #465
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Guest checks into a hotel on the outskirts of Dublin and asks the concierge if they can arrange some golf for him.

Ah yes said the concierge, Paddy will be able to help you. I will give him a call and ask him to contact you to arrange.

Paddy calls the guest and arranges for 9am the next morning, but he warns the guest that he may be 15 minutes late.

9am sharp next morning, Paddy turns up and absolutely thrashes the guest. The guest said he enjoyed the game, and could they play again tomorrow.

Paddy again agrees to 9am, but warns that he may be 15 minutes late.

Next morning, Paddy turns up at 9am and again absolutely thrashes the guest, but this time playing left handed.

This continues all week on the same basis, 9am start with the warning that he may be 15 minutes late, some days Paddy plays right handed, some days left, but each time he thrashes the guest.

On the Friday, the guest questions Paddy saying you have thrashed me every day, both left handed and right handed, how do you decide whether to play left handed or right handed?

Paddy thought for a moment, and then said “well my friend, when I wake up in the morning, if my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left handed, and if she is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed”.

The guest asks “what if she is sleeping on her back?”

Paddy replies “well now, I will be 15 minutes late”
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      05-30-2022, 06:54 AM   #466
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A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple. "No way.. this tastes like coke!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man.

A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion. "Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man. "You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies. "Any flavor." the bartender says. "Okay, get me a gin and tonic." He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims.

A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples. "Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like pussy!" The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple. The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like shit!" He shouts.

The bartender replies "Turn it around."
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      05-30-2022, 10:15 AM   #467
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.
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“Once you've accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you”
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      05-30-2022, 10:37 AM   #468
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Who would like the return of Roman numerals ?

I for one.

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      05-30-2022, 05:59 PM   #469
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The man who invented the wheel was an idiot. The man who invented the other three was a genius.
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      05-31-2022, 09:42 AM   #470
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A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
Every few minutes the Indian would let out a YEEEEHAAA so loud that echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final YEEEEHAAA!!! and rode off.
What did you do to get the Indian so excited? Asked the service station attendant.
Nothing, the woman answered. I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
Lady, the attendant said, Indians don't use saddles!
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      06-01-2022, 12:02 PM   #471
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Three buddies went deer hunting. They had to sleep two to a room.
No one wanted to sleep with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys asked.
Man, what happened to you?
He said, Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was Gary's turn. In the morning same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Once again they asked. What happened to you? You look awful!
He said. Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep at all, I just watched him all night.
The third night was Walter's turn. Walter was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast looking all rested and had a big smile on his face, good morning he said.
The guys couldn't believe it. They asked, what happened?
Walter said. Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and gave him a good night kiss on the lips.
He sat up and watched me all night long.
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      06-01-2022, 12:45 PM   #472
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dino GT View Post
Three buddies went deer hunting. They had to sleep two to a room.
No one wanted to sleep with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys asked.
Man, what happened to you?
He said, Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.
The next night it was Gary's turn. In the morning same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Once again they asked. What happened to you? You look awful!
He said. Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep at all, I just watched him all night.
The third night was Walter's turn. Walter was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast looking all rested and had a big smile on his face, good morning he said.
The guys couldn't believe it. They asked, what happened?
Walter said. Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and gave him a good night kiss on the lips.
He sat up and watched me all night long.
Oh dear!
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      06-01-2022, 07:23 PM   #473
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 3.0L View Post
20 Years in the Saddle

by: Major Assflat

More books:


Antlers in the Treetops
by: Who goosed the moose.


Under the grandstands
by: Seymour Butts
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      06-01-2022, 08:04 PM   #474
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Now that almost everybody has been exposed to the Johnny Depp trial, you should hear less and less about it. This is what we doctors call achieving Heard immunity.
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      06-02-2022, 09:09 PM   #475
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So today I'm following a Jeep with an old guy driving

His little bumper sticker:

HONK IF YOU SHIT YOUR PANTS
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      06-04-2022, 05:09 AM   #476
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I saw a documentary of how ships are kept together, it was riveting.
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      06-04-2022, 05:13 AM   #477
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the A23.Motorists are asked to look out for 12 hardened criminals.
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      06-04-2022, 05:50 AM   #478
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M5Rick View Post
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the A23.Motorists are asked to look out for 12 hardened criminals.
Good one Rick!
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      06-05-2022, 02:36 AM   #479
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A well balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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      06-09-2022, 05:51 PM   #480
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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in to the ER with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum.

We've listed his condition as "stable".
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      06-10-2022, 07:06 AM   #481
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Do you know what you call someone picking up bread at the food bank???


A freeloafer
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      06-11-2022, 07:12 PM   #482
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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
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      06-11-2022, 07:14 PM   #483
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Little boy at the zoo with mum asks what that dangly thing on the elephant is

It's the trunk

No, further back

The tail.

No, not that - in the middle, underneath

Mum (very pink now) It's nothing!


A few weeks later he's back with his dad this time.

Dad, what's that dangly thing on the elephant?

The trunk

No, further back

The tail

No, not that, the thing underneath in the middle - when I came with Mum she said it was nothing





Aah - your mother's been spoilt, son
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      06-11-2022, 07:15 PM   #484
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I was on a train with my wife when a man across the aisle repeatedly broke wind extremely loudly.

"How dare you fart before my wife!?" I said.

"Sorry, didn't know it was her turn..."
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