The joke thread, pics are not necessary

85Shark · 02-11-2026, 01:01 PM

My Australian friend (a retired M.D.) sent me this medical dictionary:

The Federal Government’s New, Unabridged MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Barium - What you do when the patient dies
Bunion - Paul’s surname
Cat scan - When the Secret Service looks for Socks
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Constipation - Endangered feces
Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird
D&C - Where Washington is
Dilate - To live a long time
Enema - Opposite of a friend
Fibrillate - To tell a small lie
Genital - Non-Jew
Hernia - Pertaining to a female’s knee
Humerus - To tell us what we want to hear
Intestine - Currently taking an exam
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Ova - Finished; done with
Pap smear - To slander your father
Paradox - Two doctors
Pelvis - The evil twin of Elvis
Penis - Someone who plays the piano
Rectum - Dang near killed him
Sacrum - Holy
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Sperm - To reject, look away from
Urine - The opposite of “You’re out!”
White count - The number of caucasians

Esteban · 02-12-2026, 06:36 PM

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work.

She just grunted at me; I can tell she still regrets letting me name the twins.

KRS_SN · 02-15-2026, 12:40 PM

Mercury, where can you find it these days?

Hg wells.

Can you tell me the chemical formula for nitrogen oxide?

NO.

M5Rick · 02-15-2026, 01:30 PM

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on a motorway and there are cues all over the place.

Buug959 · 02-16-2026, 05:59 AM

Where do girls have the most curly hair?

Africa

shannon1 · 02-16-2026, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buug959

Where do girls have the most curly hair?

Africa

In Australia, we say Tasmania

.

Esteban · 02-16-2026, 03:51 PM

Alligators can live up to a hundred years…

…which is why there’s an increased chance, that they’ll see you later.

vreihen16 · 02-17-2026, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shannon1

In Australia, we say Tasmania

.

In the USA, south of the equator works both biologically and geographically.....

Buug959 · 02-17-2026, 04:27 PM

Why did Steven cry during sex?

The pepper spray.

JeffL0 · 02-18-2026, 10:15 AM

.

sygazelle · 02-19-2026, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

Mercury, where can you find it these days?

Hg wells.

Can you tell me the chemical formula for nitrogen oxide?

NO.

He He He!

Esteban · 02-19-2026, 03:41 PM

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

KRS_SN · 02-21-2026, 03:54 PM

If you suffer from tinnitus.

You could try calling the tinnitus help line.
I did but it just kept ringing.

3.0L · 02-21-2026, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

If you suffer from tinnitus.

You could try calling the tinnitus help line.
I did but it just kept ringing.

I’ve had that shit since I was in the Army. I got 55+ years ago. 😵*💫

Esteban · 02-21-2026, 06:29 PM

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

Esteban · 02-23-2026, 07:00 PM

I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.

M5Rick · 02-24-2026, 02:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3.0L

I’ve had that shit since I was in the Army. I got 55+ years ago. 😵*💫

Esteban · 02-25-2026, 02:37 PM

What kind of pants do psychics wear?

Just a paranormal pants.

KRS_SN · 02-25-2026, 04:21 PM

There are two people in every marriage. One loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, the other like a raccoon on crystal meth.

CJ421 · 02-26-2026, 08:10 AM

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

Esteban · 02-26-2026, 07:34 PM

Got myself a pet termite.
I named him Clint.
Clint Eats Wood

Buug959 · 02-27-2026, 05:56 PM

He's so unfamiliar with the gym he thinks it's short for James.

02-11-2026, 01:01 PM	#1937
85Shark Private First Class 1555 Rep 129 Posts Drives: 1985 E24 635CSi, 2020 F82 M4, Join Date: May 2017 Location: Northern CA iTrader: (0)	My Australian friend (a retired M.D.) sent me this medical dictionary: The Federal Government’s New, Unabridged MEDICAL DICTIONARY Barium - What you do when the patient dies Bunion - Paul’s surname Cat scan - When the Secret Service looks for Socks Cauterize - Made eye contact with her Constipation - Endangered feces Coronary - Domesticated Yellow Bird D&C - Where Washington is Dilate - To live a long time Enema - Opposite of a friend Fibrillate - To tell a small lie Genital - Non-Jew Hernia - Pertaining to a female’s knee Humerus - To tell us what we want to hear Intestine - Currently taking an exam Node - Was aware of Outpatient - A person who has fainted Ova - Finished; done with Pap smear - To slander your father Paradox - Two doctors Pelvis - The evil twin of Elvis Penis - Someone who plays the piano Rectum - Dang near killed him Sacrum - Holy Seizure - Roman Emperor Sperm - To reject, look away from Urine - The opposite of “You’re out!” White count - The number of caucasians Last edited by 85Shark; 02-11-2026 at 01:08 PM..
	Appreciate 5 Esteban79640.00 KRS_SN17083.00 shannon1876.50 sygazelle18579.50 xander_g1169.50 Quote

02-12-2026, 06:36 PM	#1938
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work. She just grunted at me; I can tell she still regrets letting me name the twins.
	Appreciate 10 shannon1876.50 85Shark1554.50 flybigjet9599.00 vreihen1630811.00 Bluerooster2063.00 KRS_SN17083.00 Buug95930751.00 sygazelle18579.50 Llarry30098.50 BklynNYBMW482.50 Quote

02-15-2026, 12:40 PM	#1939
KRS_SN Major General 17083 Rep 6,143 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	Mercury, where can you find it these days? Hg wells. Can you tell me the chemical formula for nitrogen oxide? NO.
	Appreciate 5 M5Rick90376.50 shannon1876.50 vreihen1630811.00 85Shark1554.50 sygazelle18579.50 Quote

02-15-2026, 01:30 PM	#1940
M5Rick General 90377 Rep 27,093 Posts Drives: M5 F10 DCT Gunmetal Join Date: Aug 2018 Location: GB iTrader: (0)	A lorry carrying snooker equipment has overturned on a motorway and there are cues all over the place.
	Appreciate 3 shannon1876.50 vreihen1630811.00 sygazelle18579.50 Quote

02-16-2026, 05:59 AM	#1941
Buug959 Captain 30751 Rep 893 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, Golf R Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	Where do girls have the most curly hair? Africa __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before! VW Golf- retired
	Appreciate 4 KRS_SN17083.00 shannon1876.50 Esteban79640.00 sygazelle18579.50 Quote

02-16-2026, 03:51 PM	#1943
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Alligators can live up to a hundred years… …which is why there’s an increased chance, that they’ll see you later.
	Appreciate 4 Buug95930751.00 KRS_SN17083.00 shannon1876.50 sygazelle18579.50 Quote

02-17-2026, 04:27 PM	#1945
Buug959 Captain 30751 Rep 893 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, Golf R Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	Why did Steven cry during sex? The pepper spray. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before! VW Golf- retired
	Appreciate 2 shannon1876.50 maticCRO1067.00 Quote

02-18-2026, 10:15 AM	#1946
JeffL0 Private 2878 Rep 95 Posts Drives: '25 X5 50e Join Date: Apr 2024 Location: Music City iTrader: (0)	. Attached Images
	Appreciate 6 KRS_SN17083.00 Watching The World Burn2462.00 shannon1876.50 Buug95930751.00 vreihen1630811.00 sygazelle18579.50 Quote

02-19-2026, 03:41 PM	#1948
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don’t know and I don’t care.
	Appreciate 5 KRS_SN17083.00 Bluerooster2063.00 Buug95930751.00 CJ4212530.50 shannon1876.50 Quote

02-21-2026, 03:54 PM	#1949
KRS_SN Major General 17083 Rep 6,143 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	If you suffer from tinnitus. You could try calling the tinnitus help line. I did but it just kept ringing. Last edited by KRS_SN; 02-21-2026 at 03:54 PM..
	Appreciate 6 Esteban79640.00 Buug95930751.00 vreihen1630811.00 shannon1876.50 M5Rick90376.50 85Shark1554.50 Quote

02-21-2026, 06:29 PM	#1951
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper. He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
	Appreciate 7 KRS_SN17083.00 Buug95930751.00 vreihen1630811.00 3.0L19087.50 shannon1876.50 M5Rick90376.50 Bluerooster2063.00 Quote

02-23-2026, 07:00 PM	#1952
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	I have a joke about procrastination, but I'll tell it to you later.
	Appreciate 5 Buug95930751.00 KRS_SN17083.00 Bluerooster2063.00 CJ4212530.50 shannon1876.50 Quote

02-25-2026, 02:37 PM	#1954
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	What kind of pants do psychics wear? Just a paranormal pants.
	Appreciate 5 KRS_SN17083.00 Buug95930751.00 BMWGUYinCO4516.50 shannon1876.50 85Shark1554.50 Quote

02-25-2026, 04:21 PM	#1955
KRS_SN Major General 17083 Rep 6,143 Posts Drives: IX,G07 Join Date: Oct 2018 Location: Glasgow iTrader: (0) Garage List 2020 X7 [10.00] X5 [9.25] IX [8.67]	There are two people in every marriage. One loads the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, the other like a raccoon on crystal meth.
	Appreciate 8 vreihen1630811.00 Esteban79640.00 Buug95930751.00 Llarry30098.50 Watching The World Burn2462.00 shannon1876.50 Bluerooster2063.00 85Shark1554.50 Quote

02-26-2026, 08:10 AM	#1956
CJ421 Brigadier General 2531 Rep 4,446 Posts Drives: BMW G80 M3 Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: PA, USA iTrader: (1) Garage List 2024 BMW M3 Sedan [8.29]	Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted. __________________ 2024 BMW M3 Sedan Frozen Pure Grey II/Fjord Blue Past: 2021 Z4 M40i \| 2017 340i Sedan 6MT \| 2011 335i Coupe 6MT
	Appreciate 5 Buug95930751.00 KRS_SN17083.00 3.0L19087.50 shannon1876.50 Bluerooster2063.00 Quote

02-26-2026, 07:34 PM	#1957
Esteban Major General 79640 Rep 7,248 Posts Drives: a slow car fast Join Date: Jun 2014 Location: SoCal iTrader: (0)	Got myself a pet termite. I named him Clint. Clint Eats Wood
	Appreciate 5 KRS_SN17083.00 Bluerooster2063.00 BMWGUYinCO4516.50 Buug95930751.00 85Shark1554.50 Quote

02-27-2026, 05:56 PM	#1958
Buug959 Captain 30751 Rep 893 Posts Drives: 335xi E90, GMC Sierra, Golf R Join Date: Jun 2020 Location: Nova Scotia iTrader: (0)	He's so unfamiliar with the gym he thinks it's short for James. __________________ Wha' da ya mean? No brakes never stopped anyone before! VW Golf- retired
	Appreciate 4 vreihen1630811.00 KRS_SN17083.00 Esteban79640.00 shannon1876.50 Quote