The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

SS

[Buug959]

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?


It's not hard.

[Buug959]

What's the speed limit of sex?


68, because once you hit 69 you have to turn around.

[3.0L]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers,

“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

[KRS_SN]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress."
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Esteban]

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

[Three Stents]

I like the jokes that we can all relate too.

What does a Navy wife do after sex? She goes home

How do you make your wife scream after sex? Call her up and tell her where you are at.

[KRS_SN]

young lady who went to the vet with her dog, a chihuahua, which had a problem with excessive hair in its ears. The vet told the lady to get some hair remover.

Off she went to the pharmacy and asked for hair remover.

The pharmacist handed it over with the advice not to shave under her armpits for two days.

"Oh it's not for my armpits," said the lady. "It's for my chihuahua."

"In that case, don't ride a bike for two days."

[Esteban]

Boss: we're gonna be doing random drug testing.

Me: okay, but I won't try crack.

[Buug959]

They've discovered a mummy in Egypt that is covered in chocolate inside the sarcophagus. They believe it is Pharo Rocher.

[M5Rick]

I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, ''Sorry I'm late''
They said, ''You're hired''

[Buug959]

Me: Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?

Friend: Can't say I have.

Me: That's because it hasn't come out yet.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Buug959

Me: Have you heard of the movie "Constipation"?

Friend: Can't say I have.

Me: That's because it hasn't come out yet.

From someone suffering from chronic constipation, this is the crappiest joke of the thread.....

[OC40]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

From someone suffering from chronic constipation, this is the crappiest joke of the thread.....

Nature’s Path Smart Bran. You’re welcome. Lol

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by OC40

Nature’s Path Smart Bran. You’re welcome. Lol

Already been down that road. I'm on such high doses of diuretics to keep me alive that not even a colonoscopy prep kit will break the dam.....

[OC40]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

Already been down that road. I'm on such high doses of diuretics to keep me alive that not even a colonoscopy prep kit will break the dam.....

Oof! Sorry to hear!

[Llarry]

I renamed our WiFi network "Police Surveillance Van 2." That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

[Fruitnut]

Stationary shop moved

[2000cs]

Did you hear about the missionary that was passed by cannibals in the jungle?

[Buug959]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

From someone suffering from chronic constipation, this is the crappiest joke of the thread.....

You certainly came to mind as I was typing it. I knew you couldn't resist commenting.

[vreihen16]

Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you...your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years!!!!!

[Buug959]

What do you call it when a microscope and a telescope bump into each other?



A kaleidoscope.