Here's what I did:
1. Obtained 50W oil (not 0W50, actually 50W motor oil) and a little oil-can sprayer;
2. Pulled the oil filter;
3. Used a curved pick to lift up the one-way valve (it's the one towards the rear of the engine);
4. Pumped 50W into that passage until it bubbled over;
5. Spun the engine on the starter for about 30 seconds.
I've seen as much as 1.7 bar of pressure on the starter motor today, so hooray.
Not pictured: installed both O2 sensors, turned on the fuel pump and verified 5.0 bar of fuel pressure on the gauge, hooked up my notebook and tried to start the thing.
No noise because no spark. Pulled the plugs and spun out the fuel (I have fuel!!!), will track down whatever is causing no spark later in the week.
e: just realized I have the incorrect pressure scale faceplate on the oil pressure gauge. D'oh.