Quote:
Originally Posted by King Rudi
Gentlemen, I had a talk with the ex-girlfriend last night. You're all fired. No empire for now.
We are going to have a sit down discussion Saturday. Now that tensions have died down, we are going to talk and decide what the best thing to do is. I asked her to come up with a list of things that she wants/expects from a relationship and I will do the same. We'll start with non-negotiable standards so that neither of us feel neglected or over-extended but yet still have our time to get done what we need in each of our personal lives. I also explained that if we come to the resolution that between her life/schedule/kids and my responsibilities, that if we can't make it work to where we can't get what we need from each other, then we need to go our separate ways. At this point, I'm good with either of the options, as long as the decision that gets made is based off genuine appreciation of the other persons life and their ability to give the other what they need to feel secure in the relationship. I'd rather walk away knowing that we just couldn't make it work for what need rather tossing 4 years away over a bad argument.
Curious as to your thoughts on this approach. Go....
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Well, I for one like this, and I'm pretty big on self reflection and communication as you know. For myself I set what I referred to as pillars for myself. Things that were non-negotiable as you say above. Things that I wouldn't compromise on, and my wife had to feel the same way, otherwise, we weren't going to work. And I did find a woman that held the same pillars, or at least agreed with them. From there, all the other stuff is much smaller, and there will be disagreements, but at the core, you agree with one another, so you can work through it.
As an example, I used to really enjoy gambling. My wife (at that time g/f), hated it and hated that I did it. And as an ultimatum, said I had to be prepared to give it up for her and we did break up for a month to think through things. I thought about it and realized that while I really enjoyed it, it wasn't a pillar or anything like that, and agreed to do so. On her end, once in a blue moon I might get to visit a casino with a set amount, say once every couple years or something, and she's ok with it. And honestly, I don't even really care anymore. She doesn't mind me having a poker night every couple months with some guys and for me, I enjoy that more than going to a casino anyways.
I don't know if you guys drink, but I wouldn't have anything to drink while having this discussion. This stuff is serious, you don't need anything potentially removing inhibitions, you need a clear head and be able to examine this analytically. That might sound cold, but the feelings are already there...you need to focus on what you both are hearing and how you feel about that. You already know you care for each other.
So I think this is a good idea overall. I think it will give closure either way. But communication is so important, so good on you both for taking this step.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vreihen16
It might be worth a few visits with a professional relationship counselor.
Disclaimer - I've been happily married for 16 years without one argument, so I have zero experience in this area.....
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Do....you and your wife live in the same house? Same bedroom?
I'm gobsmacked at how this is possible otherwise. Seriously. I mean that's great, but I'm just amazed.