The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[vreihen16]

Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you got to help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors working here, I end up in bed with him. Afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter?"

"For God's sake, NO!!!" exclaimed Lori. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[Esteban]

The sugar daddy says to his sugar baby, would you still love me if I lost all my money, of course the sugar baby replies, of course I would still love you, I'd miss you, but I would still love you.

[Gemini562]

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts!

[Esteban]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Bimmer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[Pauly Wauly]

Originally Posted by Esteban

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Bimmer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

A couple of years ago my wife and I stopped at a winery for dinner, and before the waiter came with the menu my wife went to the restroom.
I looked through the menu and the cheapest appetizer was $50.00, and the cheapest entrée was $120.00. I don`t remember how much a glass of wine was, but it was a crazy expensive.
When my wife got back to the table, I said to her. I hope you did #2 because when you see the menu you gonna crap your pants

We drive by that winery once an awhile and I always ask the wife if she wants to stop for dinner, and she looks at me like, "Are you for real"

[KRS_SN]

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by KRS_SN

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

101 Uses For a Dead Simon Bond, anyone?????

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

101 Uses For a Dead Simon Bond, anyone?????

Had to Google image search that... some real funny pics.

[Llarry]

Two men -- one older and one young -- are pushing their carts around the big box store when they collide.

The old guy says "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy replies "That's okay. What a coincidence, I'm also looking for my wife. I can't find her and I'm getting a bit desperate."

The old guy says "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The young guy says "She's 27 years old, tall, red hair, blue eyes. Buxom and wearing no bra. She's got long legs and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy responds, "Doesn't matter much -- let's look for yours."

[Llarry]

Karen was cleaning her husband Steve's rifle and accidently shot him. She calls 911.

Karen: "It's my husband! I've accidently shot him! I've killed him!"

911 Operator: "Please calm down, ma'am. Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"

Click...BANG!

Karen: "OK. I've done that. What now?"

[JeffL0]

Originally Posted by RobotDoctor

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your job back, you get your truck back, you get your dog back ...

...and then you get sober.

[JeffL0]

A big Scot is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "Aye laddie, you see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do they call me MacGregor the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He points out the window. "Laddie! See that dock down by the lake? I built that dock with me own hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do they call me MacGregor the dock-builder? No!!" and downs his pint.

He next pointed out the chair and table in the corner, the fence outside, all sorts of similar projects, and says "I built that with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll never find, but do call me MacGregor the handyman? No!!"

He stares into his beer and whispers, "Aye, but you fook one goat..."

[JeffL0]

A Russian, a Japanese, and a New Yorker go on a safari, and they get captured by headhunters.

The chief headhunter gathers them 'round and says "I have good news for you, and I have bad news for you".

The bad news is, we're going to cook you and eat you.

The good news is, we're environmentally conscious, we won't waste anything! We'll use your teeth for jewelry, your bone shards as weapons, we'll even use your skin to cover our canoes. But you have to choose how you wish to die.

The Russian wants to to die with honor and says "Russian Roulette, you give me revolver". So they give him a revolver, he spins the barrel, click, spins, click, spins, BANG.

The Japanese wants to be just as valiant, and says "Hari Kari, you give me Samurai sword". So they give him a Samurai sword, he thrusts it full hilt into his abdomen, rips to the side, and falls over dead.

The New Yorker scrunches up his face and sneers "Gimme a fork!". The chief asks "A fork, what do you want a fork for?". The New Yorker snarls back "JUST GIMME DA FAWK!". So they give him a fork.

The New Yorker holds the fork up and begins furiously stabbing himself in the chest, while yelling "This is for your fuckin' canoes!"

[M5Rick]

Doctor to nurse: How is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters yesterday ?
Nurse: There's no change yet.

[vreihen16]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[Buug959]

A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[vreihen16]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing no clothes, wrapped in clear plastic saran wrap.

The psychiatrist says, I can clearly see your nuts.....

[Esteban]

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" Demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" They asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well, he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

[JimmyJazz]

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!

[vreihen16]

When three people have sex, it's called a threesome.

When two people have sex, it's called a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you handsome.

[rustyrotors]

If an alligator can't have sex, is it a reptile disfunction?

[Llarry]

I named my dog "5 miles" so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.