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Doing some more searching it sure looks like this is "BMW transit mode" (folks on other forums had identical symptoms after bad battery replacement).
Unfortunately the solution (other than the dealer) appears to be hooking up a diagnostic computer to the car and resetting the programming. This can be done at home, but I know nothing about the INPA program and would probably have a better chance of screwing more up than fixing my problem.
So now I'll ask a big favor: Anybody in the LA area with a working copy of INPA willing to give me a hand?
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